Step One, Honesty

After realizing that what I am doing follows pretty closely the LDS Addiction Recovery Program, I decided to actually go through the workbook that is used in that program.  The first step is Honesty: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable. 

I’ve been pretty honest in the blogs I have already posted, but for this step in the program, I need to get real about accepting that I have an addiction, which requires more than just a decision to stop doing the wrong thing and start doing the right thing. 

It took a long time for me to be able to say that this definitely is an addiction.  I didn’t want to use that as an excuse for bad behavior or jump on the bandwagon of blaming my choices on an inability to control my actions.  I also didn’t want to wrongfully equate my struggle with that of people dealing with life-threatening addictions that I felt made what I’ve been going through seem like child’s play.  It wasn’t that I felt admitting to an addiction would say something bad about me.  I felt that claiming an addiction would put more importance and severity on the situation than it deserved. 

I have had my eyes opened during the last few years that I have studied behavior modification through the gospel, and I realize that what I wanted to classify as a weakness truly is an addiction.  Accepting that allows me to see the change I’ve been seeking in a completely different light.  I am not just dealing with a problem or a bad habit.  It is an addiction.  That means I cannot just find a way to manage it and keep it from getting out of control.  Addiction by definition is being out of control.  I can’t just change my behavior long enough to lose weight and then go back to old behaviors, just being careful to be moderate so that that I don’t regain the weight.  Addiction recovery requires a complete and permanent change.

Since I am not addicted to a substance but a behavior, I have to first be very clear on what the addiction is.  There may be certain foods that trigger the behavior, and they would need to be avoided, but other than that, this is not about giving up food.  It’s also not about losing weight.  It’s about overcoming the addictive behavior that has led to a weight problem. 

An alcoholic gives up alcohol completely so he can be sober.  Someone with a food addiction does not give up food completely.  We all have to eat.  I found myself stumbling on that thought for quite a while, but it is now clear that it’s not the food itself that is the problem.  It’s the way I think about food and the way I use food that is the problem.  The addictive behavior I have to stop participating in forever is eating to feel something. 

When I am engaged in the addictive behavior, I find that I think about food all the time.  What am I going to eat?  What do I feel like eating?  What would make me feel good?  As soon as I finish eating, I start thinking about the next time I will eat and going through the same questions.  If I want to make a day or an event special, I would think about what kind of food would make it special.  If I’m going to have time to do whatever I want to do with no restrictions, I think about what I should eat while I do whatever else I choose.  I often find that I’m not hungry, but I have a relentless urge to eat something.  I want to eat something that will give me a feeling.  Food has become the central focus in meeting my needs and the most important thing in my life.   When the addiction is really kicking in, I eat when I’m not hungry.  I don’t stop when I’m full.  I want to keep eating even when I feel stuffed.  My brain tells me to stop.  I know on every level that it’s not right to eat, that it won’t give me whatever it is I’m trying to obtain, but something in me keeps urging me to eat.  I feel completely and totally out of control.  I’m an addict.

It’s a scary feeling.  It doesn’t happen all the time.  In fact, now it is very rare, but when I’m caught up in that behavior, it can occur over and over for days, weeks, even months at a time.  I don’t really enjoy doing anything else.  I think my only enjoyment is eating, but that’s not enjoyable either.  I’m just miserable. 

When I get into that addictive frame of mind, I do not have the Holy Ghost as a companion.  In fact, I feel like I am wearing armor around my soul, and I can’t feel anything.  I feel like darkness is closing in around me.  There is no joy or peace in my life.  It is true that our physical condition and behavior have a great effect on our spiritual health.  That is one of the main reasons I have fought so hard for the last several years to overcome this addiction.  The spiritual and emotional pain has driven me more than my physical condition. 

I know that this battle is winnable, but I can’t do it alone.  I have to continue to work consciously on changing my thoughts in a way that allows the atonement of Christ to give me the feelings I crave.  When I do that, I find that the addiction is silent.  So I pray and study the scriptures daily.  I meditate and try to engage my mind and my heart in activities that I enjoy.  I am honest with how I feel and what I am doing.   

If you would like to watch someone else’s story about how this program has helped them in their addiction, click on the link below for Step One: Honesty – David’s Story about Sex Addiction Recovery.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_DtmXXpw6Q

Dealing with Addiction

Our desires reveal what is truly in our hearts, what is most important to us, and what direction we are headed.  Sometimes there seems to be a disconnect between what we want and what we are actually doing.  When that happens, it is because our heart and our mind are not working together.  Addiction can be the source of the confusion.

There is a pleasure center in our brain that urges us to make correct choices in the moment to insure our safety and to give us pleasant experiences instead of unpleasant ones.  That part of the brain is what is referred to as the natural man and often does not work in our best interest.  When it exerts too much power over the part of the brain that reasons, understands consequences, and makes choices — the part of the brain where our agency is exercised — we may engage in addictive behavior that is destructive.  The actions that come out of the natural man part of the brain are not necessarily the ones we desire, even though we act as though they are exactly what we yearn for. 

Behavior that insures safety in a moment when you are threatened in one way or another or that brings momentary pleasure in response to a traumatic event can be very undesirable and even destructive if it becomes our default reaction to everything in life.  Sometimes those behaviors have no redeeming value and have just become habit through repetition because of a bad choice or by design because of uneducated behavior.  In addiction, instead of our thinking brain controlling that natural response center and making correct choices, the natural man is controlling our actions.  Even once we realize the behavior is destructive, we continue to engage in it because it has become automatic.  The brain urges us to do what the heart tells us is undesirable.

This addictive behavior can be corrected by overcoming the natural man.

“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticing of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”  Mosiah 3:19

Twelve-step programs that help people to overcome addiction may not follow this plan exactly, but they have some remnants of it.  They require the addict to humble himself.  The ones I am familiar with require turning to a higher power, acknowledging weakness and inability to handle the problem alone.  They require submission to the requirements put on them to demonstrate a true change of heart.  The addict has to seek forgiveness and begin life anew. 

Addictive behavior is an attempt of the brain’s pleasure center to satisfy is a desire of the heart in a most ineffectual and inappropriate manner.  To truly put off the addictive behavior, we need to uncover what that underlying desire is and satisfy it in the proper way.  Then the urge to engage in the addiction can be turned off completely and will not return as long as we continue to use our agency to make right choices.   The addictive behavior has actually been trying to satisfy Satan’s counterfeit of the true desire.  When we are feeling divided between what we want and what we are doing, I believe that is when we have reached the point of wanting to make a change.  We want to stop acting on the defective, mind-driven response to our desire, but the addiction makes it very difficult.   

The first step in attacking an addiction is to turn to God.  He wants to help us.  He will help us, and he will make sure we get everything out of the experience that we need.  We have to understand our behavior, our weaknesses and our triggers.  We have to put forth effort to resist the undesirable behavior and engage in behavior that brings us closer to the Lord. 

What is pleasurable now can become undesirable and even offensive to us as we make changes on a deep, personal level.  I can’t stand the scary movies I loved as a teenager.  I can’t enjoy books with bad language, sexual content or crude humor.  I used to be able to overlook those things, but now I just feel offended.  I have no trouble not watching those movies or reading those books even though at one time they were my sources of pleasure.   No effort or restraint is required.  I don’t feel that I am being denied in any way.  There are other things in my life that I know I would be better off without, and yet letting go of them is not appealing to me or is very difficult to do.  This leads me to conclude that the key to giving up anything that is unrighteous is to keep progressing spiritually until at some point each undesirable activity loses its appeal.  

I believe that whatever is currently bothering me is what my spiritual progression has prepared me to give up.  For me, that nagging behavior at this time is the addiction I like to refer to as recreational eating.  It is hard to give up food as my pleasure, but as I continue to push forward spiritually, I believe it will be possible to do so.  The way I feel about the problem now leads me to believe it is time to actively engage in changing in this area of my life.  And I believe that someday I will realize that recreational eating has become a thing of the past for me, something that I actually find undesirable, even offensive.   

To learn more about addiction, watch this video.  It contains information that gave me real hope.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwYASU-YVcw&list=LLCIPtHzA86fFlXqvQ1J3tHA&index=1

Willpower and Carnal Desires

Just by being born, we became susceptible to the carnal, sensual and devilish nature that leaves us vulnerable to sinful desires or urges.  That is our fallen nature or the natural man in us.  This blog is focused on one of those sinful urges, finding pleasure through food, but the principle is the same no matter what inappropriate behavior one feels drawn to indulge in.

Most people, when they decide they want to change, decide to simply stop doing the unwanted behavior or to start doing the desired behavior or maybe to exchange the undesired for the desired.  In doing this, we employ willpower, the inner strength to control one’s actions.  Few people find success in these endeavors, because willpower just simply doesn’t work long term.  Trying to change using willpower, or in other words, trying to control one’s desires or deny them, sooner or later ends in defeat.  That does not necessarily mean that we are weak or failures or that we did not put forth enough effort.   The reason we are unable to make real and lasting change in our behaviors or personality is life was never set up for us to be able to fundamentally change ourselves. 

Some have said that the way to conquer a bad habit is to replace it with a good one, to identify the underlying need and find a better way to meet it.  Years ago, when surgery for weight loss was really becoming popular, people who had part of their stomach removed so that they could not overeat found they were still desperate to meet their desire for pleasure.  Being physically unable to do so with eating, some started developing other undesirable addictions, such as gambling, shopping, and sex.  They had not uncovered the root of their problem and dealt with it.  They had just cut off the outlet they had been using.  They were still trying to appease the natural man, who is and always will be an enemy to God.    Satisfying him is to turn away from God.   There is another need under that desire for pleasure, and that is the one we need to uncover.

Catherine Thomas, a BYU scripture professor, said, “Men were designed to be essentially powerless in this life except for their agency either to draw on God’s power ….. or to refuse his power.”  In John 15:5, Jesus said, “….without me ye can do nothing.”  The only real and lasting, positive change comes through the grace available to us through the atonement of Jesus Christ.  If we want to get rid of habits or behaviors that are wrong, sinful or undesirable, we have to humble ourselves and exercise faith in the Savior and repent, or in other words, turn completely to God with a willingness to accept his will as we stumble along the path he has put us on in this mortal existence.

Mosiah 16:5 says, “…he that persists in his own carnal nature… remaineth in his fallen state and the devil hath all power over him…”  That’s why any changes in diet that are still seeking to satisfy the desire for pleasure are not a solution.  It is just a continuation of the carnal nature.  We find ourselves trying to be carnal in a more acceptable way, a way that we hope will mean weight loss and better health and freedom from thinking about food all the time.  Even if we accomplish all that, if we are still seeking to satisfy desires coming out of our fallen nature, we remain in the same condition, subject to those desires that push and pull us toward some kind of behavior, feeling or attitude that keeps us away from God. 

The solution can never be reached by trying to satisfy the carnal need.  The solution is only found in changing so that the carnal desires are removed completely and permanently, and that is only possible by overcoming the spiritual death that put us in that condition in the first place.  We “must be born again; yeah, born of God, changed from [our] carnal and fallen state to a state of righteousness, being redeemed of God, becoming his sons and daughters.” (Mosiah 27:25)  Instead of appeasing the natural man and his desires, we are told over and over that we must put him off.  We must be changed.  We must get a new heart, a new spirit, or newness of life, a new mind, become a new creature, be born again.  We must have no more disposition to do evil but to do good. 

We can’t do any of that.  We cannot give ourselves a new heart or mind.  We cannot remove the natural man or overcome our fallen nature.  We cannot make of ourselves a new creature or give up our disposition to do evil.  There is only one way these things can happen, and that is through the power of the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ.  God has to change us.  He has to lift us up from our fallen state.  He has to give us the new heart and mind and disposition.  We cannot take these things or imagine them or conjure them up.  We cannot claim them by right.  They must be bestowed upon us by the Savior. 

So what is required of us?  We must have faith in Jesus Christ, humble ourselves, see our fallen nature and our weakness and our need for him.  We must seek his will and accept it, make it our own, and act on it.  In short, we must seek always to be spiritually-minded, for if we are not, then we are carnally-minded and still in the grips of Satan.  We have to be lifted spiritually.  Basically, we must repent. 

To repent means to change by turning away from the things of the world or natural man and turning towards God.  And that takes us back to the neuropsychology of change model.  To make that change, we need new thoughts that will give us new feelings that will lead us to new actions so that we create a new reality for us to live in.

So permanent change requires attacking the problem at the root, which is in the mind and the heart.  It also requires changing in the Lord’s way, which means seeking his guidance, support, and power through the Holy Ghost.  During one of my non-guided meditations, I was pleasantly and overwhelmingly surprised to see Jesus walking toward me across the water.  He held his hand out to me and asked if I was ready to walk on water.  I said yes, took his hand and stepped onto the water.  After just a few steps, he stopped walking and asked, “Why are you able to walk on water?”  I answered, “Because with you, anything is possible.”  Even as I said it, I realized the truth of that statement.  With him, anything is possible.  That means this change I have sought for so long is possible if I do it hand-in-hand with him.  I realized that day that, if I have faith in the Savior, I can do anything if it’s his will that I do it. 

Man’s way of dealing with the natural man is to attempt resistance and denial of those drives, but God’s way is for us to yield to his will instead of those primal urges.   We have to seek the Lord and pray for his will to be made known to us and for it to become our own. 

“Be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” Romans 12:2

Change Made Easy

Change isn't really easy, but it is possible, and with this method, it's much easier than just deciding to act differently. 

A couple of years ago I transcribed an interview with a neuroscientist who outlined very clearly the neuropsychology of change.  I put it to the test, and it worked fabulously.  The problem was that I stumbled and stopped doing the things that were helping me to change, and I slipped back to my old habits.  We spend years developing habits and customs and then want to change them in a matter of months.  Our brains just don’t work that way.  It took years to create the habits I want to change, so I have to accept that it will take years to replace them.  This time I am committed to consciously doing the things that have to be done for however long it takes to make real and permanent change.  Since I don’t know how long that is, I am basically committing to consciously doing these things forever, but at some point  I will realize I am doing them without thinking about it because the new behavior has become a subconscious habit.  That is the neuropsychology of change — doing something consciously over and over and over until it gets into your subconscious and becomes what you do naturally. 

This process can be used to change anything about yourself, but just to be clear, I’m using it to change my relationship with food.  For me this is not about losing weight.  It is about not using food for pleasure or to satisfy any other emotional need.  It is about not thinking about food all the time.  I want to give up recreational eating.  I do not want to eat because it looks good or sounds good or smells good or feels good.  I don’t want to eat because everyone else is eating.  I don’t want to eat for social reasons.  I do not want to use food as a reward or a tool.  This is about putting food in its proper place in my life, which I have determined to be as a source of nutrition and fuel for my body and nothing else.

One of the first steps in using the neuropsychology of change is to determine exactly what you want the outcome to be.  Writing a New Reality Statement is pretty much essential.  If you do not spell out what you want your life, your new reality, to be, you will not be able to achieve and sustain it.  To demonstrate this more clearly, let me describe my old reality, which is really pretty much still my current reality, and then present the new reality I hope to achieve.

Old Reality: Food is one of the most important things in my life.  I think about it nearly all the time.  If I am not doing something that completely occupies my mind and leaves no room for any extraneous thought, food is in there.  I think about what I want to eat, what sounds good, what would make me feel good.  As soon as I eat one meal or snack, I start to think about what I want to eat next.  I don’t plan my meals around what would be a balanced, nutritious meal.  Instead, I eat what I feel like eating.  That means I can’t plan meals and snacks in advance.  If it doesn’t have some kind of an appeal on an emotional level, I don’t want it.  I normally do not eat enormous amounts of food at one time, but I will eat a little and stop and after a short time has passed eat a little more of something else.  I don’t binge, in other words.  I graze.  Constant grazing is what I fall into if I’m having an emotional issue, one that I have identified, after a great deal of introspection, as just feeling something is missing or not right.  One final and essential point I have learned from my successes and failures is that sugar and fast food seem to be the triggers that reopen my old habits.

New Reality:  I plan my meals and my snacks, making a new menu each week, focusing on having a variety of foods that are prepared at home using unprocessed food and no sugar.   I eat breakfast every morning, whether I’m hungry or not, because that is the most important meal of the day to get the metabolism going.  Then I eat when I’m hungry.  I have planned in advance what I will eat for snacks as well as meals, and I stick with the plan.  I am flexible if I happen to be eating with someone else, but I still stick with the rules of no sugar, no fast food and no highly-processed foods.  Water is my beverage of choice, and I drink it constantly throughout the day to avoid getting dehydrated.  I rarely drink anything else but can occasionally have a diet soda or a smoothie made with fresh fruit, plain yogurt and water.  I do not eat when I’m not hungry, except for breakfast.  When I have had enough, I stop eating.  I never eat to the point of feeling full because that almost always leads to being too full.  I think about food to plan my menus, to shop and to prepare my food.  I think about food when I am eating, but when I am not doing any of those things that are necessary for a healthy relationship with food, I do not think of food.   I no longer participate in recreational eating.

So how do I create that New Reality?  I have to create a new way of thinking and feeling and acting by consciously doing the desired things over and over.  The change does not start with acting.  The change actually starts with thinking.  This is the neuropsychology of change.  That is why my first posts were about changing the way we think about our bodies.  A common problem in people who have a bad relationship with food or an issue with their weight is that we see our body as the enemy, the problem, the symbol of our failure.  We then neglect our body’s needs and abuse it with crazy and ill-conceived attempts to change the way it looks without even acknowledging that the problem is in the way we think about our body and food.  Until we change the way we think, success will probably be very difficult to achieve and most likely very short-lived.

When we change the way we think, we start to feel differently, and then that leads to a new way of acting, which leads to new thoughts and feelings and new behaviors.  It’s a cycle that just continues until we reach a new reality.   Thoughts lead to feelings which lead to actions which lead to who we are, how we act, what comes naturally to us — new habits. 

If we look at that backwards, we start with what we want that reality to be.  That’s why we write a New Reality Statement.  We determine what kinds of behaviors will bring about that desired way of being.  Then we focus on what feelings will lead to that kind of behavior.  You actually want to create the feeling that you would have if you had already achieved your desired reality.  So what information can you put into your mind to bring about that feeling?  Focus on those thoughts.  Now you have begun the process. 

Example:  I want to not be obsessed with food and give up recreational eating.  When I have achieved that for very short periods of time, the feeling I have had was always the same.   I felt like my mind was full of light and my heart was full of joy.  I felt free from any obsessive thoughts or desires.  I felt like all my needs were being met and that I could do anything I really wanted to do.  I felt happy and fulfilled.  I just generally felt good.  I did not feel any obsession or compulsion or lack or need.  I did not feel disappointment or deprivation.  It was as if everything in my life was going just the way I wanted it to.  It was a very spiritual feeling.  In fact, I felt like I had the Holy Ghost with me, like my connection with God was constant and strong.  My need for pleasure was definitely being met.  It went so far beyond anything I had previously connected to food, body and weight issues.  And interestingly enough, it had nothing to do with whether or not I had lost weight.  Those feelings came because I was not thinking about food and eating all the time. 

So what do I have to do to create that feeling?  Well, if it’s a spiritual feeling, there obviously has to be a spiritual component, and so I have daily scripture study that is more than just reading a chapter.  I actually study a topic and write about it in a study journal.  Remember, the new feelings come not because of what I’m doing but because of what I’m thinking.  So I have to give myself new things to think about, new things that are uplifting and inspiring.  Writing about what I’m studying helps me to process and internalize what I’m reading.  Studying a particular topic over time gives depth to what I’m taking in and goes a long way to not only teach me something new, but it gives me something to ponder.  Now when I’m not completely occupying my brain, instead of thinking about food as was my old habit, I have something new and interesting to think about. 

A second way I have chosen to give me new thoughts is meditation and prayer.  I like to use guided meditations that relax me and point my mind and spirit in the direction of what I’m trying to achieve.  They also play a major role in preparing me to have deep, thoughtful prayer.  I have recorded my own personal meditations that I use almost daily to guide my thinking to the thought process that I want to become natural for me.  I start with getting rid of negative thoughts and feelings and then remind myself what path I should be on.  Nothing I have done is so bad that it can’t be undone and forgiven.  Everything, good and bad, can be for my benefit, and I have the redeeming power of the Savior available to me as I strive to change.  I have a meditation that reminds me how much I am loved, that I am lovable and that I should love myself, including my body.  Then I have one that allows me to focus on what my true desires are. 

The third component in having the right thoughts to achieve my new reality is making sure that the input I give my brain is leading me in the right direction.  That includes everything I choose to read, watch, listen to, and talk about.  Too much television spells disaster.  The shows I do watch need to be worth my time and not detract from my stated mission.  The same goes for my music and books and conversations.  This is the part of the plan that addresses the need for pleasure.   We all have that need.  I wrote previously about looking for pleasure in the right or wrong way.  We all have to find the right way to get pleasure, right meaning it’s not the kind of pleasure that hurts us in any way.  For me, I have found that I can replace my search for pleasure through food by reading interesting books, listening to music that I find uplifting in a spiritual way or uplifting in a good-time feeling way.  I even have a playlist that I call Pleasure because all the songs are those that give me good vibrations, though that song isn’t on my list.  I do have Sugar on the list, by the Archies, but that kind of Sugar I can handle. 

So I’m getting my pleasure in a happy and harmless way.  I’m changing my thoughts in ways that are bringing me the feeling that I actually crave, and that is leading to a different way of acting.  I have to keep doing these things through conscious effort until they become natural, second-nature, habit.  In doing so, I will be creating my new reality.  I will become the new person I seek to be.

Each person has to decide for themselves what they want to achieve, what their desired reality is.  Then imagine what it would feel like to have achieved that reality.  Next, determine what you can do to create that feeling right now, and finally, decide what pleasurable activities you can do to create the new thoughts you need to create that feeling. 

So again, that’s get the new thoughts that create the new feelings that lead to the new behaviors that will create your desired reality.  It may sound confusing at first, but once you break it down, it’s simple.  Step-by-step you can create the reality you want to live in. 

Unlocking the Savior's Power

Over the years as I have struggled with my weight and more importantly my relationship with food, I have uncovered many truths about this issue, and I believe I finally understand it enough to put the whole picture together.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, this has been an issue for me since about the age of three, when I was just starting to be an active participant in what, how much and when I ate.  I feel very confident in saying that I was born with the predilection to misuse food.  There has never been a time in my life when it was not an issue.  This is my weakness.

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness.  I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”  (Ether 12:27)

It is not by coincidence or accident that I have this specific weakness.  It is part of the plan God has for me.  This is the path he devised for me to walk in this life so that I can gain experience and knowledge and make the necessary changes to become my best self, to become complete.  Everyone born to this mortal existence has a similar path, one that will take them to the desired destination if they humble themselves and exercise faith in the Savior, allowing his grace to change them.  

That means that just losing weight is not the solution.  Weight-loss surgery, supplements, appetite suppressants, fad diets, excessive exercise, liposuction, cool sculpting, body wraps and any other man-devised methods of losing weight are only attacking the physical issue.  I might be able to lose weight by using a combination of these methods, but until I deal with the underlying problem of allowing food to take center stage in my life, the problem still exists.  And it not only exists, but it is a ticking time bomb that could go off at any time.  It could lie dormant for some time, as it has in the past, or it could just be a constant irritation that gets stronger and stronger until I can no longer suppress it.  The reality of my situation is this is a weakness given to me by God when he created this body for me.  He gave it to me for a purpose.  Only he can remove it or change it. 

In October 2014 General Conference, Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “Being able to see ourselves clearly is essential to our spiritual growth and well-being.  If our weaknesses and shortcomings remain obscured in the shadows, then the redeeming power of the Savior cannot heal them and make them strengths.  Ironically, our blindness toward our human weaknesses will also make us blind to the divine potential that our Father yearns to nurture with each of us.” 

I have looked deep inside and bared my weakness.  I have uncovered every aspect of it imaginable, but just learning about it and knowing what it is clearly is not enough.  Dallin H. Oaks said, “…in contrast to the institutions of the world, which teach us to know something, the gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to become something.”  So knowing what I know, the question is: what’s my next step?

Well, the previous scripture I quoted says I was given this weakness so I would be humble.  Am I humble?  What do I have to do to be humble?   I have to recognize his power and authority over me.  I must acknowledge his ways and his thoughts to be superior to my own, accept that I do not know as much as he does, follow his guidance,  allow him to teach me, submit to his correction, turn my will over to him, trust in his wisdom, have faith in Jesus Christ and rely on the power of his atoning sacrifice to change me. 

If I am still trying to change myself, I not only am not exercising my faith in the Savior, but I am also not going to find everlasting success.  The only way to have real and lasting change is through repentance.  Repentance is change that requires turning toward God and away from the ways of the world.  It is turning away from whatever separates me from God.  It is changing, but it is not me that affects that change.  It is the power of the atonement.  I cannot change, but the Redeemer can change me.  My weakness separates me from him.  Humility and faith lead to repentance, which will eventually take me back into his presence, because he has promised that his grace is sufficient.  He never said I have to struggle with this or overcome this.  He just said to be humble and have faith.  Having faith means trusting that he will do it, waiting for him to do it, being patient, drawing close to him and allowing him to apply his grace when he deems the time is right. 

What should I be doing as I wait for his time?  I have to learn what the weakness is meant to teach me.  I have to have the experiences it is meant to give me.  I have to prepare myself to receive the blessings of the Savior’s power.  I do not know what I am meant to learn or experience, but Jesus Christ does, so I have to be close enough to him to be led to everything when the time is right. 

Sheri Dew asks, in her talk Sweet Above All That Is Sweet, “What one thing would you be willing to give up, starting today, to put the Savior even more at the center of your life?  What one thing would you be willing to do, starting today, to unlock more of His power?”  I decided that what I’m willing to give up is recreational eating — eating for pleasure, eating for any emotional reasons, eating when I’m not hungry.   For the Savior to be at the center of my life, food can’t be, and it definitely has been.  But I have already identified this as my weakness, so how can I give it up without his help?  I can’t.  I need his power in order to give that up.  So there has to be something else I can give up that does not have such a stronghold on me. 

President Uchtdorf said, “Those who do not wish to learn and change probably will not… but those who want to improve and progress, who learn of the Savior and desire to be like him, those…who seek to bring their thoughts and actions in harmony with our Father in Heaven — they will experience the miracle of the Savior’s atonement.” 

The change I am seeking requires that I learn of the Savior and bring my thoughts and actions in harmony with Heavenly Father.  My first step in doing that has been to engage in deeper gospel study and more concentrated, meditational prayer.  I also have to eliminate some of the worldly influences in my life, like some of the TV shows I watch and spending too much time online in mindless activity.   I have to control the input my mind is getting, not just blocking out the negative but actively seeking that which will create the proper environment for a mighty change of heart.  

This harmonizing of my thoughts and actions is the one thing I must do to unlock the Savior’s power in my life.

Seeking Happiness through Pleasure

Last weekend my husband told me, as he and my son were leaving the house, that they were going to grab some lunch before they came home.  Time stood still for me as we looked at each other and said nothing.  I felt like he was waiting to see if I would say something, like, “Bring something back for me,” but I said nothing.  I couldn’t.  I didn’t want to give voice to my thoughts, which were, “I hate that you can just grab something to eat while I have to carefully consider everything I eat because one wrong thing can send me on a downward spiral that ends with me back in my old habits of eating all the wrong things, having no control over my appetite and gaining back everything I’ve lost plus more.  I’m angry that while I can’t even eat out once without chancing falling back into my addiction to fast food, you can do it anytime you want.  I resent your ability to go out to eat whatever you want whenever you want without thinking about it while I have to carefully plan and execute my eating experiences so that I’m getting just the right amount of what I need and not too much of what I don’t need.  I am jealous that you can just eat anytime, anywhere without having to weigh the possible consequences in advance.  I wish I could be as cavalier as you about food.  Instead, I have to think about everything I put into my mouth, making sure it will give me what I need, which is nutrition plus satisfaction, but not give me what I am so desperately trying to avoid, which is the desire to just keep eating.”  What I did finally say was, “Okay.” 

After they left, I told my daughter, “It’s not fair that the thing that gives me pleasure is the thing I can’t have.”  Then I realized that everyone else is in that same boat, because all of us, whatever our weakness is, find pleasure in that weakness or that sin, in one way or another, or we wouldn’t be so tempted to do it.  It is pleasure that draws us into the behaviors that separate us from God and separate us from our best selves.  When I realized that I’m no different than anyone else -- in fact I feel lucky that my forbidden pleasure is something most just see as a weakness and not a sin -- I stopped feeling sorry for myself and accepted that this is just my path and I’d better get on with it.  It changed my perspective in a big way.  I had been looking at this as a side issue or distraction that needed to be brought under control if I wanted a better quality of life.  Now I realize it is the big issue, the main event.  If I am to overcome the natural man in me, this can’t be ignored or rationalized or accepted just because it’s not something that keeps me out of the temple, although, I have felt like I was being less than honest at times when I answer yes to the question, “Do you obey the Word of Wisdom?”    

My true issue is emotional eating.  I used to say I was trying to find happiness through food but it just made me unhappy, and yet I kept trying.  That meant I must be crazy.  So I started saying I was mentally handicapped when it came to food.  I’m not stupid, but my emotional eating certainly made it seem like I was.  Then one day it hit me.  Of course I knew food couldn’t make me happy.  I have concrete proof that it does just the opposite of that.  It absolutely does not have the ability to make me happy.  It does however have the ability to give me pleasure, and it has done that very well, and that is why I have found it so hard to change those habits. 

There are three feelings that we mortals often confuse and use interchangeably.  They are happiness, joy and pleasure.  Happiness is emotional.  Joy is spiritual.  Pleasure is physical. 

“Wickedness never was happiness.”  (Alma 41:10)

Happiness does not lead to misery or pain.  Happiness is just happiness.  It is good.  It can lead to joy, and it can even be said to be pleasurable.  It is a great thing to have, and seeking it is not a bad thing.  It cannot be achieved through unrighteousness.  You cannot find happiness at the expense of others.  It is never something that anyone should or would want to avoid. 

“Men are that they might have joy.”  (2 Nephi 2:25)

Joy is always good, always desirable, and only possibly through righteousness.  It is something that is even better than happiness, and it can exist even in times of sadness and misery, because it depends on our connection to God, our eternal perspective and our hope through the Lord Jesus Christ for our future.   “They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.” (Psalms 126:5)

 

“But she that liveth in pleasure is dead while she liveth.”  (I Timothy 5:6)

That brings us to pleasure, which is the least of these because it is fleeting and unsatisfying.  It is also the only one that can be achieved through unrighteousness.  It can be obtained through righteousness as well, and that is the answer to overcoming the sinful desires that plague us.  We have to find an acceptable avenue for achieving pleasure so that we don’t seek it through activities that cause ourselves or others harm, to say nothing of offending God. 

The unrighteousness path to pleasure is so strong for all of us because we all have the inherent mortal weakness we were born with, which is part of God’s plan for us as we’re tried and tested, and unfortunately, Satan uses our weaknesses against us.  Pleasure is the tool he has found to be possibly the most useful in bringing us into spiritual bondage.  He tempts us incessantly until we give in or completely turn away from him by turning completely to God.  That is why we do so many things to ourselves that just make us miserable. 

Seeking for pleasure actually interferes with happiness and joy.  I’m living proof of that.  When I’m eating for pleasure, I definitely tend towards being unhappy, frustrated and disappointed, but when I have tried to force myself to change and do what I thought would make me happy, lose weight, there was still no happiness.  I was miserable.  I was so caught up in trying to change so that I would be happy in the future that I was forgetting to be happy in the present.  In fact, what I was doing was denying myself pleasure and expecting that to bring happiness. 

I have tried this my way.  I have tried to follow plans laid out by other people.  I have put my trust in the arm of flesh.  It has all led to short-lived success and then an immediate return to old patterns and habits of seeking for pleasure.  The only way to truly overcome this weakness is through truly turning my thoughts and desires toward the Lord and finding my joy, happiness and even pleasure in his way. 

“The Lord shall establish thee an holy people unto himself, as he hath sworn unto thee, if thou shalt keep the commandments of the Lord, thy God, and walk in his ways.” (Deuteronomy 28:9)

The Lord’s way is not just keeping the commandments.  It’s walking in his ways.  Further into that chapter, the Lord says his ways are “with joyfulness and with gladness of heart.”  (Deuteronomy 28:47)  If I do this the Lord’s way, I will do it with joy and gladness and be happy right now.  I will stop creating  pleasure-induced misery by changing my desires and my thoughts so that I find pleasure in righteousness. 

“Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fullness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures forevermore.”  Psalms 16:11

Glorifying God in the Body

A popular refrain in our society for several decades has been, “It’s my body.  I can do what I want with it.”  That is one of Satan’s great lies.  If he can get us confused about what the body is, what it’s for, what our attachment is to it and how that affects our spiritual standing with God, he can actually separate us from God or at the very least weaken the connection. 

In I Corinthians 6:19-20, Paul tells us very clearly that the body is important in our worship of the Lord and that it is not ours to do with as we please.

 

“What?  Know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?  For ye are bought with a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.”

I like to pair this with a couple of other scriptures about the importance of our bodies and our spirits, such as Doctrine and Covenants 18:10, “Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God,” and Isaiah 43:4 and 7, “Since thou wast precious in my sight, thou hast been honourable, and I have loved thee: therefore will I give men for thee, and people for thy life….even every one that is called by my name: for I have created him for my glory, I have formed him; yea, I have made him.”

We are each and every one bought with a price, and that price is great.  God said he would sacrifice people for the life of those who are called in his name.  He gave one in particular.  If we become one of his people, the price that has been paid is the sacrifice of his Only Begotten.  The worth of each soul, not all souls combined, is the torture and crucifixion of Jesus Christ. 

Do we then have the right to say that we can do what we want because we have our agency?  Actually, yes, but at what price?  If we do not see the worth he has placed on our individual soul and treat it with the respect and dignity that price affords it, we will find that we are those who have been given for the others who are called in the name of the One who paid the ultimate sacrifice.    

We belong to the Savior.  He purchased us with his atonement.  Those of us striving to be called by his name worship and praise him and we seek to obey his commandments so that we can benefit from his sacrifice and receive eternal life.  If you’re like me, you’ve thought of this as a spiritual endeavor involving the spirit.  The body is just along for the ride.  Paul, however, says we are to glorify God in body and spirit.  How do we glorify God in body?  Can abuse or neglect of the body glorify God?  Can ignoring physical health glorify God?  Do we glorify God when we do not use our physical strength and ability to serve others, to improve our own life or to enjoy our time in this mortal world? 

There must be appreciation for the body but not worship of it.  There must be care given to the body but not overindulgence.  Needs must be met, but carnal desires and urges must be controlled.  There is a line between the enjoyment we are to get through the proper use and treatment of our bodies and the joyless enslavement Satan would hoist on us if we just give into the natural man and turn the righteous use of our physical bodies — eating, exercise, sex, labor — into excessive indulgence and a distraction from righteous living. 

If we come to see that everything is spiritual, we can understand that eating foods that harm our bodies is a sin.  Eating more food than our bodies require for energy and good health is a sin.  Allowing our bodies to grow weak and inflexible through nonuse is a sin.  Trying to make our bodies perfect for the pleasure of others is a sin.  Using our bodies to manipulate the feelings of others is a sin. 

Our bodies are sacred.  They are temples where the Holy Ghost resides.  The body is the instrument of the spirit, and as such it can give power and strength to the spirit, or it can weaken the spirit.  The body is not incidental.  It is not irrelevant.  It is a creation of God who values it as a part of our eternal, resurrected, perfected soul.  We need to do the same.

What Lack I Yet?

When Jesus said, “Be ye therefore perfect even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect,” that was not the first time recorded in scripture that such a commandment was given.  In Genesis 17, Abram is commanded to be perfect.  In Deuteronomy 18:13, the Israelites are told, “Thou shalt be perfect with the Lord thy God.”  After Solomon gave the dedicatory prayer for the temple, he blessed his people, saying, “Let your heart therefore be perfect with the Lord our God, to walk in his statutes, and to keep his commandments, as at this day.” (1 Kings 8:61) 

When the king of the Kingdom of Judah sought the aid of Syria to fight the Kingdom of Israel, he was told that, because he foolishly sought help from someone other than the Lord, he would be at war for the rest of his life.  The prophet told King Asa, “For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to shew himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him.” 

We all know the clichés used to excuse our imperfections.  No one is perfect.  I’m only human.  Despite those declarations on an almost unanimous scale, perfection is possible, even in this life, as it is defined by the Lord.  Noah and Job are both described in the Old Testament as being perfect.  Yet Paul tells us in Romans 3:23, “For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.”  So being perfect does not mean to never sin.   Rather it means to be with the Lord, to depend on him, to turn to him for guidance and support, to have our desires focused on him, to accept his will as our own, to live according to his laws, and to recognize when we fall short and make immediate correction through repentance. 

When a rich, young man asked Jesus what he should do to get eternal life, Jesus told him to obey the commandments.  He said he was already doing that.  Then he asked the big question, “What lack I yet?”  Jesus’ answer to him was, “If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast and give to the poor,” and then he was instructed to, “Come and follow me.”  He was a righteous, young man who was obeying the laws of God, but he was so attached to his material possessions that he could not give them up.  Apparently he desired those riches.  They stood between him and perfection. 

We each need to ask the question, “What lack I yet?”  Is there something that stands between us and complete devotion to the Lord?  Is there something we rely on when we should be relying on him?  Do we have desires or attachments in our lives that prevent us from having that spiritually-minded focus at all times?  We may not be ready for the answer.  We may turn away from the answer in sorrow, as that young man did, but if we are ready to take another step in our spiritual progression, we may find the courage and the strength to take the next step toward perfection. 

This journey is my next step, and though I am attempting to turn my desires away from food by turning them to the Lord with perfect reliance on him, I find that sometimes I am sad, just like that young man.  Turning my heart from something I am comfortable with is not easy, even when I am turning it to something that is far better.  Change is always hard, and change on this scale is painful.  It feels unnatural sometimes and definitely unfair.  At times it feels too difficult and even impossible, but when the load gets too heavy to bear and I feel ready to give up, I remind myself that Jesus said, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”  

Love the One You're With

I have a spiritual strength that far exceeds my physical weaknesses.  Generally when I think about who I am, I relate to my spiritual and intellectual self, and I have accepted my physical self only because it is part of the package. 

Because I believe in an all-knowing, all-powerful God, I believe that there is purpose in everything.  This life and everything I experience is part of his plan for me to become the person he knows I can become. I have often thought I would not want someone else’s trials.  No matter how they compare to my own, whether easier or harder, they are not meant for me.  They are not what I need, and on some level, my spirit recognizes that and embraces my challenges as my necessities. 

I am now trying to look at my body through those eyes.  Many bodies are more beautiful, more aesthetically pleasing, stronger and healthier than mine.  (There are also bodies that are weaker and sicker and more handicapped than mine.)  It does no good to covet a better body or to lament the one I have.  It is important to realize that the body I have was made specifically for me.  I was not arbitrarily assigned a body.  This body, with its specific strengths, weaknesses, proportions and limitations, is exactly what I need to learn, change and progress as I move toward perfection.  Only the temptations this body struggles with can help me overcome my weaknesses and develop those virtues I lack.  Only the experiences of this body can enrich my time on this earth.  My soul has specific needs, and this is the body that will lead me to the fulfillment of those needs.

I am not a latecomer to obesity.  I reached this state before the age of five, probably around three.  Not one thing in my life has not in some way been touched by that fact.  Every experience has been colored, promoted, enhanced, retarded or prevented by it.  So all of the things I have learned or accomplished in life to arrive at who I am right now are thanks in part to this body.  Everything that I have not experienced or been exposed to are also in part thanks to this body.  This isn’t just a fat body I happen to be in.  It really is me.  It is exactly what I require on my path through mortality. 

Whatever it looks like at this time, whatever problems it currently carries, it has produced results in my being that are very appealing and satisfying to my soul, so I have found a great appreciation for this body that is not coveted by anyone and is not reverenced by most.  Still it is what is taking me toward perfection if I can just stay the course and continue to let my body and my spirit work together in harmony with the Holy Ghost as he guides me through the rest of this mortal test.     

Mind, Body and Spirit

The body is the instrument of the spirit.  The brain is part of the physical body.  So just as the spirit uses the body for physical activity, touching and feeling, it uses the brain to think.  Of course the spirit can think without a body, so it can think without a brain, but once the spirit is encased in a physical body, the brain becomes very important to how the spirit functions.

Some brains are damaged from birth.  Some are damaged in accidents later in life.  Some lose the ability to remember and think clearly with age.  Other brains are sharp with heightened abilities to take in knowledge, ponder and figure out intricate correlations between bits of information.  Some brains stay clear and healthy all through life, never falling prey to the ravages of time.  In our human limitation, we say that some people are smart and others are not.  For some it is easy to understand and use what we hear or read.  For others it is a chore just to do simple tasks.  All of this has to do with the physical brain.  It may or may not have to do with the spirit. 

Some spirits are certainly more intelligent than others, but at the same time, some just seem to be less intelligent in this life because of the ability of their physical brain to do what their spirit might desire to do.  In other words, the condition of our brain can determine how well our spirit is able to function intellectually in this life.  However, it has been proven time and time again that people with limited intellectual ability are often the most naturally spiritually-minded people in this world.  That does not mean that the highly intelligent can’t be spiritual as well. 

By now you should be asking yourself, “What does this have to do with being able to lose weight?”  Well, I don’t know for sure, but I think it has a lot to do with overcoming the weakness that has led me to have a negative relationship with food and my body, which has led to the weight problem I am currently addressing. 

Scientists say we mortals only use a tiny percentage of our brain.  I believe, when we are resurrected, perfected beings, our spirits will be using much more of our brains and someday will be using all of our brains.  Right now, our spirits are just learning how to use the brain, and it’s a bit of a slow process, slower for some than others. 

To not get too far into this topic, I want to just skip ahead to why I think it’s important to understand the spirit/brain connection just a little.  When I’ve thought about the challenge of the spirit dominating the body rather than the body dominating the spirit, I believe I have sometimes actually been struggling with the brain versus the body, not the spirit versus the body.  Because my brain is part of my physical self, it is only as old as my body.  My spirit, however, is as least thousands of years old.  My spirit knows so much more than my physical self knows.  My brain is the part of me that is learning and controlling my body when I deliberate about what diet to follow or whether or not I want to exercise.  It is my brain that has to learn life and God and all things physical as well as spiritual.  My spirit is currently learning how to use a body and trying to guide my brain to open up to the spiritual knowledge that it already possesses. 

My true spiritual self that is not hampered by limitations of my brain is in charge when I have spiritual experiences.  When I am using my intellect, my spirit can only do what the brain is capable of doing.  So I keep trying to learn more and more in order to increase my spirit’s ability to function with this brain. 

Again, what does that have to do with losing weight?  All right, when the decision to eat or not eat comes from my brain, I am involved in the battle between brain and body.  My body is wanting to eat, to experience the taste and texture of food.  I may or may not be hungry.  If I am hungry, then it’s all good.  This is the way the body and brain are supposed to work.  The body is hungry.  It needs nourishment.  The brain says, “Okay, have this.”  But sometimes I want to eat and keep eating when I’m not hungry at all, even when I’m full.  The body doesn’t want that food.  The body isn’t hungry.  The body may even feel uncomfortably full, but sometimes my brain is still telling me it wants food because it’s looking for something else.  This is called emotional eating.  It’s not the body.  It’s not the spirit.  It’s the brain.  If I just try to get control of those thoughts or keep myself from acting on them, then I am just trying to control my physical self. 

To make real change requires the participation of the spirit.  That means the desires of the brain will change when the spirit is coming into the picture and dominating the physical self, the body and the brain.  The spirit will keep out those obsessive, compulsive thoughts that lead to the undesired behavior.  So how do we do that?  “To be carnally-minded is death; but to be spiritually-minded is life and peace.” (Romans 8:6)

We must lift ourselves up spiritually.  We have to seek spiritual experiences.  We have to repent, change those things in our lives that are not in line with the laws of God.  I decided at the beginning of the year that I was going to do this weight-loss thing spiritually this time, and I spent six months building up my spiritual strength and not trying to control my eating at all.  At the beginning of June, I knew I was ready to change my eating habits, and I did it without any struggle between my brain and my body – no cravings, no cheating, no obsessing about food I couldn’t have, no wanting to eat when I wasn’t hungry. 

I use meditations designed to create patterns in my brain that keep me from turning to thoughts of food when I have emotional issues arise.  I use daily prayer and scripture study to do my best to be spiritually-minded.  I am even sharing my experience through this blog as a way to help train my brain to do what my spirit is directing me to do.  

This is not the quickest way to lose weight.  It took six months to even get started, but I hope it will be a permanent change in my body as well as in my brain.  I am looking for much more than weight loss.  I am looking to become the best person I can be, mind, body and spirit.  

Love Your Body

Today I invite you to meditate a bit on why you should love and appreciate your body.   Elder Boyd K. Packer said that the body is the instrument of the spirit and that the body has delicate physical senses that have to do with spiritual communication.  Let’s first consider what it means to be an instrument. 

If you have a nail that you want to put into a piece of wood, you are going to find that it’s impossible to do without having something to hit the nail with.  No matter how much you hold that nail in your hand and push it and even pound on the wood, the nail is not going to go into the wood, but if you hold the nail against the wood with one hand and carefully and precisely hit the nail on the head with the correct instrument, such as a hammer, the nail will go into the wood without much trouble at all. 

The instrument provides power and makes accomplishing the task simple, natural and smooth – if you know how to correctly use the instrument.  Such is the relationship between our spirit and our body.  Once the spirit gains control of the body, understands how to treat it and use it, the spirit has an added dimension of strength and power.  The body is the tool or instrument that the spirit needs to bring about its purposes, to accomplish its goals.

Relative to the spiritual communication, feeling the Holy Ghost is a spiritual experience, but it is a physical feeling.  People describe it as a warm, full feeling, even a pressure in the chest.  It radiates warmth throughout the torso, sometimes a tingling sensation.  It wells up in some people to the point that they can’t sit still and keep quiet.  They feel compelled to speak up.  We say we were prompted.  It is as though something has pushed us from within.  This is possibly happening in the mind as well, the pushing and thinking that we should say or do something, but in my experience, once I thought about it, I have noticed there is also a physical aspect to the promptings.  Sometimes the experience with the Holy Ghost causes one to tremble, shake or cry -- again, physical manifestations of a spiritual experience. 

I challenge you to remember times when you have felt the Spirit, when you have felt especially close to God, when you have really been moved by a sermon or something you have read.  Think about how you actually felt.  You can even think about how much you love someone.  These are things we have thought of as being in our thoughts and in our emotions, but if you pay attention to how you feel, you will realize that the feelings are physical. 

Now try to imagine what it would feel like without a body.  What would that love or joy or peace feel like if you didn’t have your physical body to feel the warmth, the expansion, the tingling, the quickening breath? 

That is why our soul has a physical component.  That is why we are more blessed and more powerful as embodied spirits than those who are without the physical aspect of their being.  That is why those spirits who are separated from their bodies and are awaiting the resurrection feel as though they are in bondage (D&C 45:17). 

So no matter what shape your body is in, love it, appreciate it and care for it.  You will miss it when it’s gone.  You will long to be returned to it.  It is a beautiful gift of our Heavenly Father that brings with it many challenges and a lot of opposition to our desire to be spiritually-minded, but this life gives us the opportunity to truly become masters of our own vessel if we allow the Spirit to be our guide. 

True Change

It’s said that this lifetime is a mere spec on the continuum of eternity.  Compared to our time in the pre-mortal world and the infinity of time to come after, it is such a small moment, it’s hard to believe that it’s so important.  One of the reasons we have this mortal experience is to get a body, and yet we spend a very limited amount of time in the body before we die and are once again a disembodied spirit.  Why is that?  Why do we obtain a physical body and then have to give it up so quickly and be without again for a time before we have it forever?  It’s as though this life is just a test run. 

We get a body and learn what it’s like to have one, and most of us go a little crazy in one way or another.  Eating, drinking, drugs, sex, exercise, extreme sport, tattoos, piercings, bodybuilding, body sculpting, cosmetic surgery are all things that we get caught up in as we experience life in a physical body for the first time.  We tend to lose our way as the physical becomes our reality.  It seems to be the part that is truly living and experiencing and being affected.  Many lose sight completely of the spirit and either worship or abuse their body with extreme behaviors of one type or another. 

Most of us struggle with how to live happily in our bodies.  We do things for pleasure that end up causing pain.  We are unhappy with the way we look or feel.  Others influence how we see ourselves.  At first our bodies are tiny, and we don’t know how to do anything.  They grow and change, and either we learn to control our physical urges, or they control us.   We learn to do what we want in the body.  We experience the power and ability as well as the desires and passions.  Some of us try to overcome the negative drives, while others just wallow in the base nature of those drives.  But just when we get to where we have the ability and power and knowledge to do well in our bodies, they start to deteriorate.  They are harmed by disease, misuse, neglect, injury or just aging.  We lose control.  We stop using the body to some extent and may become trapped inside a physical case that does nothing but cause us pain.  Finally, it can contain us no more because it can’t live any longer.  What’s that all about?  It’s not only a test run but a taste of what we will have for eternity that is then taken away.

 What is the purpose then of living without the body, after having one, before we are resurrected?  After much pondering, I believe it is so we can learn spiritually to appreciate the physical feelings and abilities, learn to understand and correctly use and control the body.  Many of us are incapable of doing that while in the body because we refuse to put in the time and effort required.  Before we get a perfected, glorified, eternal body, we have to be in control of all physical urges.  For many of us, the only way to teach us how to have the spirit dominate the physical is to remove the body but not the physical urges.

Elder Melvin J. Ballard said that overcoming physical addiction or weakness is easier in the body than without it.  If we do not do it in this life, we will be compelled to overcome our physical weaknesses after we die, which seems to indicate they are not physical weaknesses at all.  We are no longer physical in nature, and yet President Kimball said we will not be resurrected until we have overcome all weaknesses.  So they are actually spiritual weaknesses that are connected to the body or manifest in the body in a physical way.  So everything is spiritual. 

It stands to reason that if we can overcome a physical weakness when we do not have a body, then we can overcome the weakness while in the body by using our spiritual strengths.  How does that look?  Well, when we try to change some aspect of our behavior, such as eating, if we are using willpower, logic and reasoning, we are using our brain, which is the thinking part of our physical body.  So instead of changing the way we eat by using willpower and trying to change the way we think about food, we want to use our spiritual abilities.  

The spirit is our conscience.  It is what tells us what is right and wrong.  It is what connects us to Heavenly Father through the Holy Ghost.   To have the power of the spirit, we have to be getting the right input through scripture study and prayer.  We have to avoid input that separates us from the Spirit.  We need to increase our desire to make righteous choices.  

This is where the neuropsychology model of thoughts, feelings, behaviors and reality come into play.  Our thoughts will be more in line with the Spirit if we are hearing, seeing, reading, and talking about uplifting things and avoiding sinful, degrading and negative input.  Those things will change our feelings.  We will feel peace, happiness, joy, contentment, tranquility, compassion, hope, and love, and we will believe that anything is possible.  Doubts, fears, anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness, depression and hopelessness will disappear.  Because of the change in the way we feel, we will begin to act differently.  In fact, we begin to act as though the change we are seeking has already happened, because we feel as if it has.  And acting that way just gives rise to new thoughts that bring even better feelings that continue to reinforce the changed behavior until we become a new person.  We have become who we want to be.  This is how we change spiritually.  This is how we can make permanent change.  We have to continue to follow this pattern with the reinforcing thoughts and feelings until the old ways of acting are no longer what come  naturally.  

Monster in My Soul

Food started out as a gift from God, an enjoyable commodity to nourish and strengthen the body, to give it energy and nutrients necessary for life in this mortal body.  It became my friend because it was always there, always pleasant, always satisfying, even when I was lonely, needing an emotional connection but not knowing how to get one or being too reluctant to try because of shyness.  

Over time, food became a jealous friend, wanting all my attention and all my time.  It enticed me to depend on it for everything.  It inserted itself into every aspect of my life, my mind and my body.  It got control of my conscious thought and then my subconscious existence as well.  It began to manipulate me and trick me into dangerous behaviors.  It enticed me to take risks with my health.  It encouraged excessive use in an attempt to meet needs completely unrelated to eating. 

Food became this evil spirit that possessed my body and took control of my brain.  It became my enemy, an enemy that stayed close and pretended to be my friend.  I came to hate what food was doing to me, but it convinced me that the way to feel better was to eat something “good”.

It was a hidden or disguised enemy for so long, but once I started fighting back, it came out into the open.  There was no more hiding, no secret manipulation, no stealthy cravings or sneaky enticements.  It was just a blatant show of force, as it told me to eat what I knew would give me the opposite of what I wanted.  It no longer even pretended to be my friend.  It became my captor.  Food had held me as a prisoner without me realizing it, but I came to see the bars and feel the restraints, and as I struggled to break free, they tightened around me.  Every time I started to get loose, I felt myself suddenly jerked back into submission and confinement. 

But I had also tasted freedom, even if only for a few short moments.  I remembered that in those months when I was free of the obsessive thoughts of food, free of the compulsion to eat, I felt such relief.  I felt calm and peaceful.  I was satisfied with my small meals of fresh fruits and vegetables and whole grains.  I didn’t think about food.  I was amazed that I had no desire to eat when I wasn’t hungry.  I was not drawn to eat anything for any reason other than to fuel my body.  And then the healthy food I carefully planned and prepared for myself was enough.  Enough was enough.  No excess, no craving, no compulsion.  I was free.

That became my desire, to feel that freedom again and to have it last forever.  I want to know and always remember that food is just fuel for my body.  I do not need to eat something just because it’s there.  I do not need to try all new offerings because they look good.  I do not need to eat something just because I like it.  I am not missing out on anything by not eating even the most scrumptious, enticing dishes.  Food is just food.  There is nothing magical or special about it.  It cannot make me happy or give me peace.  It cannot increase my worth.  It cannot solve my problems, unless my problems are hunger and nutrition.

Deep in my soul hides a monster, and I want it out.  

Body and Food: Friends or Foes

For much of my life I didn’t exactly hate my body, but I didn’t really want it.  It felt like my enemy.  It did not represent who I felt that I actually was, and I couldn’t control it.  It seemed to betray me and give me failure over and over.  I loved who I was mentally and spiritually, but my physical self seemed to be separate and foreign to that part of me I liked.  So I neglected and abused my physical self for years.  Even when I tried to lose weight, it was not usually in a healthy way that respected the needs of my body.  I was completely out of control physically.  The natural man was in control of my body.  It was all wrapped up in being carnally-minded, devilish and sensual — whether I was wallowing in what made me fat or fighting it. 

Food, on the other hand, I treated as though it were my best friend — couldn’t live without it, wouldn’t want to.  I used it to search for happiness, pleasure, companionship, consolation, celebration, and comfort.  I thought about it all the time.  It was my obsession.  I wasn’t a binge eater.  I didn’t eat enormous amounts of food at one time.  I just ate the wrong foods and ate whenever I wanted to.  It had nothing to do with being hungry or needing nourishment.  It was all emotional. 

I decided a few years ago I needed to attack this problem from the spiritual side of things.  That meant I needed to completely change my relationship with my body, and that required really getting a testimony of why I’m better off with a body than without.  I knew that the soul is the body and the spirit together.  I accepted that the body is the temple of my spirit.  I knew that obtaining a body was one of the main reasons I was born into this mortal world and that Satan’s punishment for rebelling against God is that he will never have one.  At that time, I only had an intellectual acceptance of those facts.  I trusted the source of the information and didn’t doubt its veracity.  I just did not understand it.  I couldn’t feel it.  I needed to have that confirmation from the Holy Ghost that would take it into my heart so that it would change my way of thinking and acting.  I had to get past that feeling that my body was just a case for my spirit and truly come to see that it is as much a part of me as my spirit is. 

I came to this decision to get a testimony of the importance of the body in May of 2009.  A lot has changed since then.  One of the first things I was prompted to meditate on was the fact that we take the sacrament in memory of the body and blood of Jesus Christ, the physical aspects of who he is, not his spirit, though we do it so that we can have his spirit to be with us.  So we are constantly reminded that even God has a body.  That led me to ponder why He has a body.  Why is he more powerful because of his body?  Why does having a body make me more powerful?  What is the connection between a particular body and the spirit it houses?  How does having a body relate to the purpose of this mortal life?  Why do we get a body and are then separated from it for a time before we are resurrected in an eternal bond of body and spirit?  How has having a body benefitted me already? 

I learned the answers to all those questions and more, and I will be sharing what I learned in my future blogs.  As I wrote, I started on this quest in 2009.  Since then I have lost a significant amount of weight and gained it back.  Why wasn’t I able to succeed and make the change permanent?  Well, the answer, I believe, is that my body and its condition drives me to study so that I can learn, and I hadn’t learned enough, so the challenge remained.  I don’t know if I’ve learned enough yet, but I know that I am once again in the right place to attempt change because I once again have the desire.  And I’m sharing this now because I want to share some of what I have learned, and I felt prompted to share now, not after I have changed.  My hope is that the sharing will help me to change as well as inspire others to do the same. 

By the way, out of curiosity, I checked my weight again this morning, and the three pounds that prompted me to start this are gone.  Thought so.  And because this is psychological for me, now that I’ve weighed three times in less than two weeks, I won’t be doing much more of that for a while.