Last weekend my husband told me, as he and my son were
leaving the house, that they were going to grab some lunch before they came
home. Time stood still for me as we
looked at each other and said nothing. I
felt like he was waiting to see if I would say something, like, “Bring
something back for me,” but I said nothing.
I couldn’t. I didn’t want to give
voice to my thoughts, which were, “I hate that you can just grab something to
eat while I have to carefully consider everything I eat because one wrong thing
can send me on a downward spiral that ends with me back in my old habits of
eating all the wrong things, having no control over my appetite and gaining
back everything I’ve lost plus more. I’m
angry that while I can’t even eat out once without chancing falling back into
my addiction to fast food, you can do it anytime you want. I resent your ability to go out to eat
whatever you want whenever you want without thinking about it while I have to
carefully plan and execute my eating experiences so that I’m getting just the
right amount of what I need and not too much of what I don’t need. I am jealous that you can just eat anytime,
anywhere without having to weigh the possible consequences in advance. I wish I could be as cavalier as you about
food. Instead, I have to think about
everything I put into my mouth, making sure it will give me what I need, which
is nutrition plus satisfaction, but not give me what I am so desperately trying
to avoid, which is the desire to just keep eating.” What I did finally say was, “Okay.”
After they left, I told my daughter, “It’s not fair that the
thing that gives me pleasure is the thing I can’t have.” Then I realized that everyone else is in that
same boat, because all of us, whatever our weakness is, find pleasure in that
weakness or that sin, in one way or another, or we wouldn’t be so tempted to do
it. It is pleasure that draws us into
the behaviors that separate us from God and separate us from our best selves. When I realized that I’m no different than
anyone else -- in fact I feel lucky that my forbidden pleasure is something
most just see as a weakness and not a sin -- I stopped feeling sorry for myself
and accepted that this is just my path and I’d better get on with it. It changed my perspective in a big way. I had been looking at this as a side issue or
distraction that needed to be brought under control if I wanted a better quality
of life. Now I realize it is the big
issue, the main event. If I am to
overcome the natural man in me, this can’t be ignored or rationalized or
accepted just because it’s not something that keeps me out of the temple,
although, I have felt like I was being less than honest at times when I answer
yes to the question, “Do you obey the Word of Wisdom?”
My true issue is emotional eating. I used to say I was trying to find happiness
through food but it just made me unhappy, and yet I kept trying. That meant I must be crazy. So I started saying I was mentally handicapped
when it came to food. I’m not stupid,
but my emotional eating certainly made it seem like I was. Then one day it hit me. Of course I knew food couldn’t make me
happy. I have concrete proof that it
does just the opposite of that. It
absolutely does not have the ability to make me happy. It does however have the ability to give me
pleasure, and it has done that very well, and that is why I have found it so
hard to change those habits.
There are three feelings that we mortals often confuse and
use interchangeably. They are happiness,
joy and pleasure. Happiness is
emotional. Joy is spiritual. Pleasure is physical.
“Wickedness never was happiness.” (Alma 41:10)
Happiness does not lead to misery or pain. Happiness is just happiness. It is good.
It can lead to joy, and it can even be said to be pleasurable. It is a great thing to have, and seeking it
is not a bad thing. It cannot be
achieved through unrighteousness. You
cannot find happiness at the expense of others.
It is never something that anyone should or would want to avoid.
“Men are that they might have joy.” (2 Nephi 2:25)
Joy is always good, always desirable, and only possibly through
righteousness. It is something that is
even better than happiness, and it can exist even in times of sadness and
misery, because it depends on our connection to God, our eternal perspective
and our hope through the Lord Jesus Christ for our future. “They
that sow in tears shall reap in joy.” (Psalms 126:5)
“But she that liveth in pleasure is dead while she liveth.” (I Timothy 5:6)
That brings us to pleasure, which is the least of these because
it is fleeting and unsatisfying. It is
also the only one that can be achieved through unrighteousness. It can be obtained through righteousness as
well, and that is the answer to overcoming the sinful desires that plague
us. We have to find an acceptable avenue
for achieving pleasure so that we don’t seek it through activities that cause ourselves
or others harm, to say nothing of offending God.
The unrighteousness path to pleasure is so strong for all of
us because we all have the inherent mortal weakness we were born with, which is
part of God’s plan for us as we’re tried and tested, and unfortunately, Satan
uses our weaknesses against us. Pleasure
is the tool he has found to be possibly the most useful in bringing us into
spiritual bondage. He tempts us
incessantly until we give in or completely turn away from him by turning
completely to God. That is why we do so
many things to ourselves that just make us miserable.
Seeking for pleasure actually interferes with happiness and
joy. I’m living proof of that. When I’m eating for pleasure, I definitely
tend towards being unhappy, frustrated and disappointed, but when I have tried
to force myself to change and do what I thought would make me happy, lose
weight, there was still no happiness. I
was miserable. I was so caught up in
trying to change so that I would be happy in the future that I was forgetting
to be happy in the present. In fact,
what I was doing was denying myself pleasure and expecting that to bring
happiness.
I have tried this my way.
I have tried to follow plans laid out by other people. I have put my trust in the arm of flesh. It has all led to short-lived success and
then an immediate return to old patterns and habits of seeking for pleasure. The only way to truly overcome this weakness
is through truly turning my thoughts and desires toward the Lord and finding my
joy, happiness and even pleasure in his way.
“The Lord shall establish thee an holy people unto himself,
as he hath sworn unto thee, if thou shalt keep the commandments of the Lord, thy
God, and walk in his ways.” (Deuteronomy 28:9)
The Lord’s way is not just keeping the commandments. It’s walking in his ways. Further into that chapter, the Lord says his
ways are “with joyfulness and with gladness of heart.” (Deuteronomy 28:47) If I do this the Lord’s way, I will do it
with joy and gladness and be happy right now.
I will stop creating pleasure-induced misery by changing my desires
and my thoughts so that I find pleasure in righteousness.
“Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is
fullness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures forevermore.” Psalms 16:11
No comments:
Post a Comment