After realizing that what I am doing follows pretty closely
the LDS Addiction Recovery Program, I decided to actually go through the
workbook that is used in that program.
The first step is Honesty: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to
overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.
I’ve been pretty honest in the blogs I have already posted,
but for this step in the program, I need to get real about accepting that I
have an addiction, which requires more than just a decision to stop doing the
wrong thing and start doing the right thing.
It took a long time for me to be able to say that this
definitely is an addiction. I didn’t
want to use that as an excuse for bad behavior or jump on the bandwagon of
blaming my choices on an inability to control my actions. I also didn’t want to wrongfully equate my
struggle with that of people dealing with life-threatening addictions that I
felt made what I’ve been going through seem like child’s play. It wasn’t that I felt admitting to an
addiction would say something bad about me.
I felt that claiming an addiction would put more importance and severity
on the situation than it deserved.
I have had my eyes opened during the last few years that I
have studied behavior modification through the gospel, and I realize that what
I wanted to classify as a weakness truly is an addiction. Accepting that allows me to see the change
I’ve been seeking in a completely different light. I am not just dealing with a problem or a bad
habit. It is an addiction. That means I cannot just find a way to manage
it and keep it from getting out of control.
Addiction by definition is being out of control. I can’t just change my behavior long enough
to lose weight and then go back to old behaviors, just being careful to be
moderate so that that I don’t regain the weight. Addiction recovery requires a complete and
permanent change.
Since I am not addicted to a substance but a behavior, I
have to first be very clear on what the addiction is. There may be certain foods that trigger the
behavior, and they would need to be avoided, but other than that, this is not
about giving up food. It’s also not
about losing weight. It’s about overcoming
the addictive behavior that has led to a weight problem.
An alcoholic gives up alcohol completely so he can be
sober. Someone with a food addiction
does not give up food completely. We all
have to eat. I found myself stumbling on
that thought for quite a while, but it is now clear that it’s not the food
itself that is the problem. It’s the way
I think about food and the way I use food that is the problem. The addictive behavior I have to stop
participating in forever is eating to feel something.
When I am engaged in the addictive behavior, I find that I
think about food all the time. What am I
going to eat? What do I feel like
eating? What would make me feel
good? As soon as I finish eating, I
start thinking about the next time I will eat and going through the same
questions. If I want to make a day or an
event special, I would think about what kind of food would make it special. If I’m going to have time to do whatever I
want to do with no restrictions, I think about what I should eat while I do
whatever else I choose. I often find
that I’m not hungry, but I have a relentless urge to eat something. I want to eat something that will give me a
feeling. Food has become the central
focus in meeting my needs and the most important thing in my life. When the addiction is really kicking in, I
eat when I’m not hungry. I don’t stop
when I’m full. I want to keep eating
even when I feel stuffed. My brain tells
me to stop. I know on every level that
it’s not right to eat, that it won’t give me whatever it is I’m trying to
obtain, but something in me keeps urging me to eat. I feel completely and totally out of
control. I’m an addict.
It’s a scary feeling.
It doesn’t happen all the time. In
fact, now it is very rare, but when I’m caught up in that behavior, it can
occur over and over for days, weeks, even months at a time. I don’t really enjoy doing anything
else. I think my only enjoyment is
eating, but that’s not enjoyable either.
I’m just miserable.
When I get into that addictive frame of mind, I do not have
the Holy Ghost as a companion. In fact,
I feel like I am wearing armor around my soul, and I can’t feel anything. I feel like darkness is closing in around
me. There is no joy or peace in my life. It is true that our physical condition and
behavior have a great effect on our spiritual health. That is one of the main reasons I have fought
so hard for the last several years to overcome this addiction. The spiritual and emotional pain has driven
me more than my physical condition.
I know that this battle is winnable, but I can’t do it
alone. I have to continue to work
consciously on changing my thoughts in a way that allows the atonement of
Christ to give me the feelings I crave. When
I do that, I find that the addiction is silent.
So I pray and study the scriptures daily. I meditate and try to engage my mind and my
heart in activities that I enjoy. I am
honest with how I feel and what I am doing.
If you would like to watch someone else’s story about how
this program has helped them in their addiction, click on the link below for
Step One: Honesty – David’s Story about Sex Addiction Recovery.
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