Monster in My Soul

Food started out as a gift from God, an enjoyable commodity to nourish and strengthen the body, to give it energy and nutrients necessary for life in this mortal body.  It became my friend because it was always there, always pleasant, always satisfying, even when I was lonely, needing an emotional connection but not knowing how to get one or being too reluctant to try because of shyness.  

Over time, food became a jealous friend, wanting all my attention and all my time.  It enticed me to depend on it for everything.  It inserted itself into every aspect of my life, my mind and my body.  It got control of my conscious thought and then my subconscious existence as well.  It began to manipulate me and trick me into dangerous behaviors.  It enticed me to take risks with my health.  It encouraged excessive use in an attempt to meet needs completely unrelated to eating. 

Food became this evil spirit that possessed my body and took control of my brain.  It became my enemy, an enemy that stayed close and pretended to be my friend.  I came to hate what food was doing to me, but it convinced me that the way to feel better was to eat something “good”.

It was a hidden or disguised enemy for so long, but once I started fighting back, it came out into the open.  There was no more hiding, no secret manipulation, no stealthy cravings or sneaky enticements.  It was just a blatant show of force, as it told me to eat what I knew would give me the opposite of what I wanted.  It no longer even pretended to be my friend.  It became my captor.  Food had held me as a prisoner without me realizing it, but I came to see the bars and feel the restraints, and as I struggled to break free, they tightened around me.  Every time I started to get loose, I felt myself suddenly jerked back into submission and confinement. 

But I had also tasted freedom, even if only for a few short moments.  I remembered that in those months when I was free of the obsessive thoughts of food, free of the compulsion to eat, I felt such relief.  I felt calm and peaceful.  I was satisfied with my small meals of fresh fruits and vegetables and whole grains.  I didn’t think about food.  I was amazed that I had no desire to eat when I wasn’t hungry.  I was not drawn to eat anything for any reason other than to fuel my body.  And then the healthy food I carefully planned and prepared for myself was enough.  Enough was enough.  No excess, no craving, no compulsion.  I was free.

That became my desire, to feel that freedom again and to have it last forever.  I want to know and always remember that food is just fuel for my body.  I do not need to eat something just because it’s there.  I do not need to try all new offerings because they look good.  I do not need to eat something just because I like it.  I am not missing out on anything by not eating even the most scrumptious, enticing dishes.  Food is just food.  There is nothing magical or special about it.  It cannot make me happy or give me peace.  It cannot increase my worth.  It cannot solve my problems, unless my problems are hunger and nutrition.

Deep in my soul hides a monster, and I want it out.