Change Made Easy

Change isn't really easy, but it is possible, and with this method, it's much easier than just deciding to act differently. 

A couple of years ago I transcribed an interview with a neuroscientist who outlined very clearly the neuropsychology of change.  I put it to the test, and it worked fabulously.  The problem was that I stumbled and stopped doing the things that were helping me to change, and I slipped back to my old habits.  We spend years developing habits and customs and then want to change them in a matter of months.  Our brains just don’t work that way.  It took years to create the habits I want to change, so I have to accept that it will take years to replace them.  This time I am committed to consciously doing the things that have to be done for however long it takes to make real and permanent change.  Since I don’t know how long that is, I am basically committing to consciously doing these things forever, but at some point  I will realize I am doing them without thinking about it because the new behavior has become a subconscious habit.  That is the neuropsychology of change — doing something consciously over and over and over until it gets into your subconscious and becomes what you do naturally. 

This process can be used to change anything about yourself, but just to be clear, I’m using it to change my relationship with food.  For me this is not about losing weight.  It is about not using food for pleasure or to satisfy any other emotional need.  It is about not thinking about food all the time.  I want to give up recreational eating.  I do not want to eat because it looks good or sounds good or smells good or feels good.  I don’t want to eat because everyone else is eating.  I don’t want to eat for social reasons.  I do not want to use food as a reward or a tool.  This is about putting food in its proper place in my life, which I have determined to be as a source of nutrition and fuel for my body and nothing else.

One of the first steps in using the neuropsychology of change is to determine exactly what you want the outcome to be.  Writing a New Reality Statement is pretty much essential.  If you do not spell out what you want your life, your new reality, to be, you will not be able to achieve and sustain it.  To demonstrate this more clearly, let me describe my old reality, which is really pretty much still my current reality, and then present the new reality I hope to achieve.

Old Reality: Food is one of the most important things in my life.  I think about it nearly all the time.  If I am not doing something that completely occupies my mind and leaves no room for any extraneous thought, food is in there.  I think about what I want to eat, what sounds good, what would make me feel good.  As soon as I eat one meal or snack, I start to think about what I want to eat next.  I don’t plan my meals around what would be a balanced, nutritious meal.  Instead, I eat what I feel like eating.  That means I can’t plan meals and snacks in advance.  If it doesn’t have some kind of an appeal on an emotional level, I don’t want it.  I normally do not eat enormous amounts of food at one time, but I will eat a little and stop and after a short time has passed eat a little more of something else.  I don’t binge, in other words.  I graze.  Constant grazing is what I fall into if I’m having an emotional issue, one that I have identified, after a great deal of introspection, as just feeling something is missing or not right.  One final and essential point I have learned from my successes and failures is that sugar and fast food seem to be the triggers that reopen my old habits.

New Reality:  I plan my meals and my snacks, making a new menu each week, focusing on having a variety of foods that are prepared at home using unprocessed food and no sugar.   I eat breakfast every morning, whether I’m hungry or not, because that is the most important meal of the day to get the metabolism going.  Then I eat when I’m hungry.  I have planned in advance what I will eat for snacks as well as meals, and I stick with the plan.  I am flexible if I happen to be eating with someone else, but I still stick with the rules of no sugar, no fast food and no highly-processed foods.  Water is my beverage of choice, and I drink it constantly throughout the day to avoid getting dehydrated.  I rarely drink anything else but can occasionally have a diet soda or a smoothie made with fresh fruit, plain yogurt and water.  I do not eat when I’m not hungry, except for breakfast.  When I have had enough, I stop eating.  I never eat to the point of feeling full because that almost always leads to being too full.  I think about food to plan my menus, to shop and to prepare my food.  I think about food when I am eating, but when I am not doing any of those things that are necessary for a healthy relationship with food, I do not think of food.   I no longer participate in recreational eating.

So how do I create that New Reality?  I have to create a new way of thinking and feeling and acting by consciously doing the desired things over and over.  The change does not start with acting.  The change actually starts with thinking.  This is the neuropsychology of change.  That is why my first posts were about changing the way we think about our bodies.  A common problem in people who have a bad relationship with food or an issue with their weight is that we see our body as the enemy, the problem, the symbol of our failure.  We then neglect our body’s needs and abuse it with crazy and ill-conceived attempts to change the way it looks without even acknowledging that the problem is in the way we think about our body and food.  Until we change the way we think, success will probably be very difficult to achieve and most likely very short-lived.

When we change the way we think, we start to feel differently, and then that leads to a new way of acting, which leads to new thoughts and feelings and new behaviors.  It’s a cycle that just continues until we reach a new reality.   Thoughts lead to feelings which lead to actions which lead to who we are, how we act, what comes naturally to us — new habits. 

If we look at that backwards, we start with what we want that reality to be.  That’s why we write a New Reality Statement.  We determine what kinds of behaviors will bring about that desired way of being.  Then we focus on what feelings will lead to that kind of behavior.  You actually want to create the feeling that you would have if you had already achieved your desired reality.  So what information can you put into your mind to bring about that feeling?  Focus on those thoughts.  Now you have begun the process. 

Example:  I want to not be obsessed with food and give up recreational eating.  When I have achieved that for very short periods of time, the feeling I have had was always the same.   I felt like my mind was full of light and my heart was full of joy.  I felt free from any obsessive thoughts or desires.  I felt like all my needs were being met and that I could do anything I really wanted to do.  I felt happy and fulfilled.  I just generally felt good.  I did not feel any obsession or compulsion or lack or need.  I did not feel disappointment or deprivation.  It was as if everything in my life was going just the way I wanted it to.  It was a very spiritual feeling.  In fact, I felt like I had the Holy Ghost with me, like my connection with God was constant and strong.  My need for pleasure was definitely being met.  It went so far beyond anything I had previously connected to food, body and weight issues.  And interestingly enough, it had nothing to do with whether or not I had lost weight.  Those feelings came because I was not thinking about food and eating all the time. 

So what do I have to do to create that feeling?  Well, if it’s a spiritual feeling, there obviously has to be a spiritual component, and so I have daily scripture study that is more than just reading a chapter.  I actually study a topic and write about it in a study journal.  Remember, the new feelings come not because of what I’m doing but because of what I’m thinking.  So I have to give myself new things to think about, new things that are uplifting and inspiring.  Writing about what I’m studying helps me to process and internalize what I’m reading.  Studying a particular topic over time gives depth to what I’m taking in and goes a long way to not only teach me something new, but it gives me something to ponder.  Now when I’m not completely occupying my brain, instead of thinking about food as was my old habit, I have something new and interesting to think about. 

A second way I have chosen to give me new thoughts is meditation and prayer.  I like to use guided meditations that relax me and point my mind and spirit in the direction of what I’m trying to achieve.  They also play a major role in preparing me to have deep, thoughtful prayer.  I have recorded my own personal meditations that I use almost daily to guide my thinking to the thought process that I want to become natural for me.  I start with getting rid of negative thoughts and feelings and then remind myself what path I should be on.  Nothing I have done is so bad that it can’t be undone and forgiven.  Everything, good and bad, can be for my benefit, and I have the redeeming power of the Savior available to me as I strive to change.  I have a meditation that reminds me how much I am loved, that I am lovable and that I should love myself, including my body.  Then I have one that allows me to focus on what my true desires are. 

The third component in having the right thoughts to achieve my new reality is making sure that the input I give my brain is leading me in the right direction.  That includes everything I choose to read, watch, listen to, and talk about.  Too much television spells disaster.  The shows I do watch need to be worth my time and not detract from my stated mission.  The same goes for my music and books and conversations.  This is the part of the plan that addresses the need for pleasure.   We all have that need.  I wrote previously about looking for pleasure in the right or wrong way.  We all have to find the right way to get pleasure, right meaning it’s not the kind of pleasure that hurts us in any way.  For me, I have found that I can replace my search for pleasure through food by reading interesting books, listening to music that I find uplifting in a spiritual way or uplifting in a good-time feeling way.  I even have a playlist that I call Pleasure because all the songs are those that give me good vibrations, though that song isn’t on my list.  I do have Sugar on the list, by the Archies, but that kind of Sugar I can handle. 

So I’m getting my pleasure in a happy and harmless way.  I’m changing my thoughts in ways that are bringing me the feeling that I actually crave, and that is leading to a different way of acting.  I have to keep doing these things through conscious effort until they become natural, second-nature, habit.  In doing so, I will be creating my new reality.  I will become the new person I seek to be.

Each person has to decide for themselves what they want to achieve, what their desired reality is.  Then imagine what it would feel like to have achieved that reality.  Next, determine what you can do to create that feeling right now, and finally, decide what pleasurable activities you can do to create the new thoughts you need to create that feeling. 

So again, that’s get the new thoughts that create the new feelings that lead to the new behaviors that will create your desired reality.  It may sound confusing at first, but once you break it down, it’s simple.  Step-by-step you can create the reality you want to live in. 

Unlocking the Savior's Power

Over the years as I have struggled with my weight and more importantly my relationship with food, I have uncovered many truths about this issue, and I believe I finally understand it enough to put the whole picture together.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, this has been an issue for me since about the age of three, when I was just starting to be an active participant in what, how much and when I ate.  I feel very confident in saying that I was born with the predilection to misuse food.  There has never been a time in my life when it was not an issue.  This is my weakness.

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness.  I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”  (Ether 12:27)

It is not by coincidence or accident that I have this specific weakness.  It is part of the plan God has for me.  This is the path he devised for me to walk in this life so that I can gain experience and knowledge and make the necessary changes to become my best self, to become complete.  Everyone born to this mortal existence has a similar path, one that will take them to the desired destination if they humble themselves and exercise faith in the Savior, allowing his grace to change them.  

That means that just losing weight is not the solution.  Weight-loss surgery, supplements, appetite suppressants, fad diets, excessive exercise, liposuction, cool sculpting, body wraps and any other man-devised methods of losing weight are only attacking the physical issue.  I might be able to lose weight by using a combination of these methods, but until I deal with the underlying problem of allowing food to take center stage in my life, the problem still exists.  And it not only exists, but it is a ticking time bomb that could go off at any time.  It could lie dormant for some time, as it has in the past, or it could just be a constant irritation that gets stronger and stronger until I can no longer suppress it.  The reality of my situation is this is a weakness given to me by God when he created this body for me.  He gave it to me for a purpose.  Only he can remove it or change it. 

In October 2014 General Conference, Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “Being able to see ourselves clearly is essential to our spiritual growth and well-being.  If our weaknesses and shortcomings remain obscured in the shadows, then the redeeming power of the Savior cannot heal them and make them strengths.  Ironically, our blindness toward our human weaknesses will also make us blind to the divine potential that our Father yearns to nurture with each of us.” 

I have looked deep inside and bared my weakness.  I have uncovered every aspect of it imaginable, but just learning about it and knowing what it is clearly is not enough.  Dallin H. Oaks said, “…in contrast to the institutions of the world, which teach us to know something, the gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to become something.”  So knowing what I know, the question is: what’s my next step?

Well, the previous scripture I quoted says I was given this weakness so I would be humble.  Am I humble?  What do I have to do to be humble?   I have to recognize his power and authority over me.  I must acknowledge his ways and his thoughts to be superior to my own, accept that I do not know as much as he does, follow his guidance,  allow him to teach me, submit to his correction, turn my will over to him, trust in his wisdom, have faith in Jesus Christ and rely on the power of his atoning sacrifice to change me. 

If I am still trying to change myself, I not only am not exercising my faith in the Savior, but I am also not going to find everlasting success.  The only way to have real and lasting change is through repentance.  Repentance is change that requires turning toward God and away from the ways of the world.  It is turning away from whatever separates me from God.  It is changing, but it is not me that affects that change.  It is the power of the atonement.  I cannot change, but the Redeemer can change me.  My weakness separates me from him.  Humility and faith lead to repentance, which will eventually take me back into his presence, because he has promised that his grace is sufficient.  He never said I have to struggle with this or overcome this.  He just said to be humble and have faith.  Having faith means trusting that he will do it, waiting for him to do it, being patient, drawing close to him and allowing him to apply his grace when he deems the time is right. 

What should I be doing as I wait for his time?  I have to learn what the weakness is meant to teach me.  I have to have the experiences it is meant to give me.  I have to prepare myself to receive the blessings of the Savior’s power.  I do not know what I am meant to learn or experience, but Jesus Christ does, so I have to be close enough to him to be led to everything when the time is right. 

Sheri Dew asks, in her talk Sweet Above All That Is Sweet, “What one thing would you be willing to give up, starting today, to put the Savior even more at the center of your life?  What one thing would you be willing to do, starting today, to unlock more of His power?”  I decided that what I’m willing to give up is recreational eating — eating for pleasure, eating for any emotional reasons, eating when I’m not hungry.   For the Savior to be at the center of my life, food can’t be, and it definitely has been.  But I have already identified this as my weakness, so how can I give it up without his help?  I can’t.  I need his power in order to give that up.  So there has to be something else I can give up that does not have such a stronghold on me. 

President Uchtdorf said, “Those who do not wish to learn and change probably will not… but those who want to improve and progress, who learn of the Savior and desire to be like him, those…who seek to bring their thoughts and actions in harmony with our Father in Heaven — they will experience the miracle of the Savior’s atonement.” 

The change I am seeking requires that I learn of the Savior and bring my thoughts and actions in harmony with Heavenly Father.  My first step in doing that has been to engage in deeper gospel study and more concentrated, meditational prayer.  I also have to eliminate some of the worldly influences in my life, like some of the TV shows I watch and spending too much time online in mindless activity.   I have to control the input my mind is getting, not just blocking out the negative but actively seeking that which will create the proper environment for a mighty change of heart.  

This harmonizing of my thoughts and actions is the one thing I must do to unlock the Savior’s power in my life.

Seeking Happiness through Pleasure

Last weekend my husband told me, as he and my son were leaving the house, that they were going to grab some lunch before they came home.  Time stood still for me as we looked at each other and said nothing.  I felt like he was waiting to see if I would say something, like, “Bring something back for me,” but I said nothing.  I couldn’t.  I didn’t want to give voice to my thoughts, which were, “I hate that you can just grab something to eat while I have to carefully consider everything I eat because one wrong thing can send me on a downward spiral that ends with me back in my old habits of eating all the wrong things, having no control over my appetite and gaining back everything I’ve lost plus more.  I’m angry that while I can’t even eat out once without chancing falling back into my addiction to fast food, you can do it anytime you want.  I resent your ability to go out to eat whatever you want whenever you want without thinking about it while I have to carefully plan and execute my eating experiences so that I’m getting just the right amount of what I need and not too much of what I don’t need.  I am jealous that you can just eat anytime, anywhere without having to weigh the possible consequences in advance.  I wish I could be as cavalier as you about food.  Instead, I have to think about everything I put into my mouth, making sure it will give me what I need, which is nutrition plus satisfaction, but not give me what I am so desperately trying to avoid, which is the desire to just keep eating.”  What I did finally say was, “Okay.” 

After they left, I told my daughter, “It’s not fair that the thing that gives me pleasure is the thing I can’t have.”  Then I realized that everyone else is in that same boat, because all of us, whatever our weakness is, find pleasure in that weakness or that sin, in one way or another, or we wouldn’t be so tempted to do it.  It is pleasure that draws us into the behaviors that separate us from God and separate us from our best selves.  When I realized that I’m no different than anyone else -- in fact I feel lucky that my forbidden pleasure is something most just see as a weakness and not a sin -- I stopped feeling sorry for myself and accepted that this is just my path and I’d better get on with it.  It changed my perspective in a big way.  I had been looking at this as a side issue or distraction that needed to be brought under control if I wanted a better quality of life.  Now I realize it is the big issue, the main event.  If I am to overcome the natural man in me, this can’t be ignored or rationalized or accepted just because it’s not something that keeps me out of the temple, although, I have felt like I was being less than honest at times when I answer yes to the question, “Do you obey the Word of Wisdom?”    

My true issue is emotional eating.  I used to say I was trying to find happiness through food but it just made me unhappy, and yet I kept trying.  That meant I must be crazy.  So I started saying I was mentally handicapped when it came to food.  I’m not stupid, but my emotional eating certainly made it seem like I was.  Then one day it hit me.  Of course I knew food couldn’t make me happy.  I have concrete proof that it does just the opposite of that.  It absolutely does not have the ability to make me happy.  It does however have the ability to give me pleasure, and it has done that very well, and that is why I have found it so hard to change those habits. 

There are three feelings that we mortals often confuse and use interchangeably.  They are happiness, joy and pleasure.  Happiness is emotional.  Joy is spiritual.  Pleasure is physical. 

“Wickedness never was happiness.”  (Alma 41:10)

Happiness does not lead to misery or pain.  Happiness is just happiness.  It is good.  It can lead to joy, and it can even be said to be pleasurable.  It is a great thing to have, and seeking it is not a bad thing.  It cannot be achieved through unrighteousness.  You cannot find happiness at the expense of others.  It is never something that anyone should or would want to avoid. 

“Men are that they might have joy.”  (2 Nephi 2:25)

Joy is always good, always desirable, and only possibly through righteousness.  It is something that is even better than happiness, and it can exist even in times of sadness and misery, because it depends on our connection to God, our eternal perspective and our hope through the Lord Jesus Christ for our future.   “They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.” (Psalms 126:5)

 

“But she that liveth in pleasure is dead while she liveth.”  (I Timothy 5:6)

That brings us to pleasure, which is the least of these because it is fleeting and unsatisfying.  It is also the only one that can be achieved through unrighteousness.  It can be obtained through righteousness as well, and that is the answer to overcoming the sinful desires that plague us.  We have to find an acceptable avenue for achieving pleasure so that we don’t seek it through activities that cause ourselves or others harm, to say nothing of offending God. 

The unrighteousness path to pleasure is so strong for all of us because we all have the inherent mortal weakness we were born with, which is part of God’s plan for us as we’re tried and tested, and unfortunately, Satan uses our weaknesses against us.  Pleasure is the tool he has found to be possibly the most useful in bringing us into spiritual bondage.  He tempts us incessantly until we give in or completely turn away from him by turning completely to God.  That is why we do so many things to ourselves that just make us miserable. 

Seeking for pleasure actually interferes with happiness and joy.  I’m living proof of that.  When I’m eating for pleasure, I definitely tend towards being unhappy, frustrated and disappointed, but when I have tried to force myself to change and do what I thought would make me happy, lose weight, there was still no happiness.  I was miserable.  I was so caught up in trying to change so that I would be happy in the future that I was forgetting to be happy in the present.  In fact, what I was doing was denying myself pleasure and expecting that to bring happiness. 

I have tried this my way.  I have tried to follow plans laid out by other people.  I have put my trust in the arm of flesh.  It has all led to short-lived success and then an immediate return to old patterns and habits of seeking for pleasure.  The only way to truly overcome this weakness is through truly turning my thoughts and desires toward the Lord and finding my joy, happiness and even pleasure in his way. 

“The Lord shall establish thee an holy people unto himself, as he hath sworn unto thee, if thou shalt keep the commandments of the Lord, thy God, and walk in his ways.” (Deuteronomy 28:9)

The Lord’s way is not just keeping the commandments.  It’s walking in his ways.  Further into that chapter, the Lord says his ways are “with joyfulness and with gladness of heart.”  (Deuteronomy 28:47)  If I do this the Lord’s way, I will do it with joy and gladness and be happy right now.  I will stop creating  pleasure-induced misery by changing my desires and my thoughts so that I find pleasure in righteousness. 

“Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fullness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures forevermore.”  Psalms 16:11

Glorifying God in the Body

A popular refrain in our society for several decades has been, “It’s my body.  I can do what I want with it.”  That is one of Satan’s great lies.  If he can get us confused about what the body is, what it’s for, what our attachment is to it and how that affects our spiritual standing with God, he can actually separate us from God or at the very least weaken the connection. 

In I Corinthians 6:19-20, Paul tells us very clearly that the body is important in our worship of the Lord and that it is not ours to do with as we please.

 

“What?  Know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?  For ye are bought with a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.”

I like to pair this with a couple of other scriptures about the importance of our bodies and our spirits, such as Doctrine and Covenants 18:10, “Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God,” and Isaiah 43:4 and 7, “Since thou wast precious in my sight, thou hast been honourable, and I have loved thee: therefore will I give men for thee, and people for thy life….even every one that is called by my name: for I have created him for my glory, I have formed him; yea, I have made him.”

We are each and every one bought with a price, and that price is great.  God said he would sacrifice people for the life of those who are called in his name.  He gave one in particular.  If we become one of his people, the price that has been paid is the sacrifice of his Only Begotten.  The worth of each soul, not all souls combined, is the torture and crucifixion of Jesus Christ. 

Do we then have the right to say that we can do what we want because we have our agency?  Actually, yes, but at what price?  If we do not see the worth he has placed on our individual soul and treat it with the respect and dignity that price affords it, we will find that we are those who have been given for the others who are called in the name of the One who paid the ultimate sacrifice.    

We belong to the Savior.  He purchased us with his atonement.  Those of us striving to be called by his name worship and praise him and we seek to obey his commandments so that we can benefit from his sacrifice and receive eternal life.  If you’re like me, you’ve thought of this as a spiritual endeavor involving the spirit.  The body is just along for the ride.  Paul, however, says we are to glorify God in body and spirit.  How do we glorify God in body?  Can abuse or neglect of the body glorify God?  Can ignoring physical health glorify God?  Do we glorify God when we do not use our physical strength and ability to serve others, to improve our own life or to enjoy our time in this mortal world? 

There must be appreciation for the body but not worship of it.  There must be care given to the body but not overindulgence.  Needs must be met, but carnal desires and urges must be controlled.  There is a line between the enjoyment we are to get through the proper use and treatment of our bodies and the joyless enslavement Satan would hoist on us if we just give into the natural man and turn the righteous use of our physical bodies — eating, exercise, sex, labor — into excessive indulgence and a distraction from righteous living. 

If we come to see that everything is spiritual, we can understand that eating foods that harm our bodies is a sin.  Eating more food than our bodies require for energy and good health is a sin.  Allowing our bodies to grow weak and inflexible through nonuse is a sin.  Trying to make our bodies perfect for the pleasure of others is a sin.  Using our bodies to manipulate the feelings of others is a sin. 

Our bodies are sacred.  They are temples where the Holy Ghost resides.  The body is the instrument of the spirit, and as such it can give power and strength to the spirit, or it can weaken the spirit.  The body is not incidental.  It is not irrelevant.  It is a creation of God who values it as a part of our eternal, resurrected, perfected soul.  We need to do the same.